RED ROSE

That Red rose
Still lasts unfaded
Fresh against the fallacy
of poisonous Love
Fresh with Perspiration blobs
like untouched dew
Was not a gratuitous gift
but a Birthday one
I grasped it , for it was
the first and last ,
when I recieved it
The rose , Red rose , was smelling love
gravitated me to you.
Perhaps .......
the Red roses on birthday cards
never fade !

TANGLES

I didn't have anything in particular to write until the last moment my friend hemanth had called me up. His voice was feeble and a cascade of words plunged my ears , though I got up from my bed at midnight listening to his voice furiously as i couldn't forgive him for spoiling my sleep,but regaining my consciousness I was literally dumbstruck and later being alarmed , after few seconds I asked him " Is that true or you trying to make fool out of me? "
" No dude ! I swear , nothing could be done , my life is gone " he replied in a voice husky with overflown emotions.
well I had to say few words to console him , few words to extend my verbal support as I was sure nothing much could be expected out of me. I too was helpless.
'Hemanth , don't worry !" I started ," well let the night be over ,we do have plenty of time left to think and sort it out " will see you at office tomorrow. chill out , and Iam sure together we can find a better way out. enough of drinks , relax go to bed."
I disconnected the call and somehow being so tired I couldnt recollect when I hit the bed.
Walking to the toilet straight from bed I realised Iam full of Hemanth's call
Reaching the office , I went to the pantry and tried reaching him on his mob. but I reached voice mailbox and then recorded a msg for him to call me back.
clutching a cup of coffee while walking towards my workstation I could only think about him and his doomsday -

Hemanth is my colleague and was my flat mate until he got transferred to Delhi , This a guy who is elder to me for 7 years, married and having a kid. and If you ask me what kind of a person he is ?? for sure then I will be true to myself .


He was tranquil , music loving , alcoholic , smoker , 'nincompoop' and was complete fun to be with. He always pretended to be the master of all trades and very rarely shown his ignorance .
This is not enough ..Yes he had a girlfriend too .

frankly I havent had seen him talking to his wife , but he had a separate connection for his girlfriend , I remember he never missed a hoarding which opened an idea of lower tariff on night calling which made him a high value customer of telecoms Industry.Mornings when I rush to office I would still see him lying on the bed with mobile phone plugged in the ear . He had an orderless acute life .I rarely entered his smoke filled room , for me surging on those fumes was more suffocating. I bonded with him quite well though he always acts contrary to my code of ethics.Sometimes he made me laugh and the next moment a grumpiest one.

He started his affair , to be well put across extra marital affair at his previous job ,This girl was his junior executive , unmarried north Indian who was just a passed out from some management institution.Once while boozing in the flat he had opened up with me.

By the time I had already smelled something unusual without any meddling ,and once even he failed to falsify the whole thing when I found used condoms in my toilet not even flushed out .when I returned after a tour evidently my room had things out of place and my pillows and bed were deformed. figuring out it somehow I walked to him silently being resent for this dramatic irony, but he timidly swifted away. The very same night my laptop crashed due to some Windows file missing error so had to go to him to borrow the laptop for some time as he was about to start with his ' Happy hours' ( I call it so when he is on phone , but though I call it so it never turned to be pleasant and resembled a parliament more) .

While using it ,I found some drab snaps in a drive , but frankly I was searching for some music files. The snaps were manipulated to get the classic B/W effect and well needless to say they were more of personal remarks , but I found it to be genuinely intimate and affectionate .
During that I got a call on my mobile leaving the laptop on my bed, I moved to the balcony speaking over mobile and when returned I found lap was already taken away by him. I regretted for peeping into his privacy as my conscience didn't support me for what I did .

I smiled at him when I saw him for dinner and tried being more friendly , that was the only way to gauge his comfort with me.

And I initiated a talk " Sorry Hemanth , I quite accidentally saw them , I know they were personal , but my intention was to play some music " somehow I finished saying.

" OHH ! thats fine ! I took it very recently , wanted to frame them , so thought of giving it B/W look, even Iam not done with the editing , my wife wanted our photo to be framed for this anniversary '"
he replied to me gulping a huge piece of Hamburger and seeing his eyes bulging a bit I offered him water , he clutched it suddenly drawing back his eye contact.

And " Iam sorry , My wife was here for last two days ,so I used ur room since u know my room is a total mess and it smells tobacco and she doesnt like it much , and you were not here too. hope you understand, goodnight "

I gazed and replied " Come on dude .. No Issues , it is just that the toilet was not flushed out ..." He smiled as a reaction to it.
I believed it and That ended there me being guilty for tampering some one's privacy .

Guess what ? every story has a twist and atleast a villain to make things uneasy and unpleasant, and here the villain was a social networking site , but I will call him a hero becoause he erased my guilt consiousness that I gained from the above situation.

I found Hemanth's profile on this site and saw his family snaps too, and he had a different wife with a kid .
His house , parents , kid and all other stuff fixated the fact that she is the real One
I was astonished thinking who the duplicate is.


To be continued....

ME and YOU

Seemingly a whisper  you said

Those enraptured secrets of your amiable life

Where enigmatically 

My murky moments lie and die 

As its one and only refugee

Like those decomposed leaves

deepen the earth.

Why the clang and rythm

of your words 

arrested my thoughts

Amazingly happened a change in me

and made melt all my desires

being secure in your arms

Like those tendrills 

I stretch my hands to you

My Krishna

What made you dispel me my Lord?

Gifts and Misses of Life

Insecurity and solitude are the two things which I feel one need to be panicked about  in   life . Tonight when I was lying on my bed talking to my friend I felt it for the first time that I 'm dipping into little  circles of  solitude and Insecurity and I myself will enlarge it making it impossible for me to plea for a revival. I had taken up a decision to live alone long back then was confident with strong reasons backing my strength to think so and two best pals smiling on my left and right side when I turned my head I could only blindly see their smile and I was content and slept closing my eyelids so tight for going blind with them was well perfect for me.

Now when they have love spurting and spaces filled with ecstasy , I feel I ' m a stranger lost and abandoned  on a sea shore who could not enjoy the sea any more but rather its roaring felt scary. I'm shrunk into myself , making my world look more smaller than it was and only guest there is called silence which is noisy than the peal of a giant bell.

Life is an experience which is not the same experience for all , but it wraps different things differently for us and its more of sharing and giving  like we do share feelings , love , BED, care and all under the sky with the loved ones. When you don't have someone dear to love in a moonlit night , to hold and kiss in dark room , to hug and whisper in a winter ..then you missed  some rare gifts from life.

We learn lessons through out our life from mistakes we do , from experiences and of course from others . But the most relevant and crucial lesson should be that , that you cant survive with out love and care , should be loved and cared  and should love and care..what is life without these ..I know I learnt Friends and family cant be a substitute for someone special ... for I tell you having a vacant heart is more heavier than it is being occupied.

You Are Missed

Its been a long time since I have written and posted something here..Reasons could be

1) I get too lazy to type something

2) I go so blank that nothing influence or inspire to write

3) I have hell lot of other things to be with

4) finally ..everything around me went so fine as I ever wished.

Though I had lots of reasons to pen down but still cant pick prominent one among those put across.

ooh and I missed one very good reason... I don't have readers :))

Times were not so good , As when I count few of my loses , Kamal Das's Death tops the list...Through out my life I have seen people passing away from relatives , friends to unseen adorable celebrities ..but her death desperately soaked my eyes , watching her past interviews ,Procession carrying her corpse , her funeral service ..everything made me Lament.

When I came back to Kerala to continue my studies ..the first person to read in malayalam literature was she ..It was then I started learning malayalam , and her words were so simple and perfumed to grab and store in my memory pages..A lady who was bold that when she shook her pen those tiny blobs splashed on the paper were even shaped and more beautiful with the musk of love and myriad expressions. Initially I connected with her only for her love for her Granny ..I cherished all those lovely moments I spent with my Grandma during my vacation time in kerala through her childhood memoirs .

When Grown up I found a painter , a Philanthropist , a mother , a lover , a philosopher everything in her ...ooh what not she was a complete woman..a sensible and intelligent woman..and moreover born humane ..who spoke sense which were so modern thoughts that the outdated society here couldn't make out or pace with it. I cant write more about her, Despite of trying hard, finally I will fail ...you can go to an ocean and see it , but can never measure it.

The greatest miss again was it that I couldn't meet her ..she was the only person whom I wished to meet in person in my life so far...My friend Sarika's bother had treated her during her last months in kerala and he was a regular visitor at her residence in Kadavanthra , kochi..Though Sarika loved her very much , but she never had the courage to meet her after her repeated invites , In our view her bother was gifted and blessed to receive lots of gifts from Kamala Das , many books of her duly signed . Poor guy when met her for the first time didnt know much about her and when she asked once " dont you know me??" he perspired and was perplexed, later he had to take a tuition from Sarika on Kamala 's literary work so that he could talk to her leveling his head.

Once when I have visited sarika at her home she had shown me a letter which kamala had written to Him ,it was a beautifully composed Thanks giving letter..Irony is that she and her father had to search in the dictionary to understand the meanings of few words she had written ..and ultimate happiness for me is that both of my best friends are really great fans of her literary works..

I have almost all of her books in my private collection. final tribute paid my keralites on her death is memorable and sure no writer will ever get such a farewell in near future , as everyone who went to see her for the last time had tint of water in their eyes..she had gone thats true but the many stories which she planted and watered will keep on growing and those flowers bloomed out of her will spread that mesmerising fragrance attracting millions towards her writings...

deeply from my heart : Kamala I miss you!!

"lights are Moving on the shore But I shall not return Sea , toss my body back That he knew how to love, Bereft of body My soul shall be free Take in my naked soul That he knew how to hurt Only the soul Knows how to sing At the Vortex of the sea.." from " Only the soul knows How to sing"

Friend

Being wild, rough and lonely sometimes I managed to live

I then come across you

Nebula of calm you appeared to me

Obsessions were palliated there after for

You outstretched a hand of amity

Many blues turned pink and more colorful

You remained a back up through

Friend you were true and pure to me
resplendent colors and images you gifted me
In my hands that magic brings me back to life
ego and hate had no place to stay  in between us
nothing but affection rarely expressed spread
Dawns to Dusks and years to years you remain friend.

 

Valentine's Day : Sway this way!

By me for writing Often , not so but always relationships and lives around me were the commonly picked topics..So guess what? I cant write something other than that. When Iam trying to type , I feel my fingers are aching as this keyboard is not at all friendly to me any more..showing its protest or is it becoz of those suppressed feelings hesitate and resist to come out thru my fingers? dont know really. Today Its Valentine's Day..Though Indian youths started celebrating and taken advantage of this day in a very recent past. It's been years since Iam 18 , sad or lucky  to say no one had turned up with roses or with that sweet wink of eye to me to say the most beautiful words I consider in this world on Feb 14th. Whenever I was in relationships , that would have been started after this date or would end before this much awaited beautiful love date .It had passed and spent as a very ordinary day as usual. so ultimately I dint get a chance to love someone on this particular date. Thats my Valentine story. I have been writing letters and sometimes buying cards too for that someone special .  Truly speaking Differently and unusually I received a call on 5th of Feb , which brought a  tint of love along with it. I spent hours on my phone till 13th  as it mostly took me to some world , a world I Dreamt of and this year , today on  Valentine's  day instead of me falling into love , that 9 days old love died .

And ended in watching Award sweeper SlumDog Millionaire .Its Valentine's Day so you sway this way!!

Relationships Fascinates, scents , drives , scares and kills too..but again again we fall into it though we know about it. Love defeats magnets in power of attraction I bet you!